Excerpts of Life: Another First

Hi. Today, I want to talk about Love.

A lot of people claim to have fallen in-love. There are many ways to address the situation. But before we take to addressing, let us reconsider that there are but many ways to look at it.

Eros is a feeling unlike any other. Well, to be frank, every kind of feeling is unlike any other–which is why they’re named, described, and even ranked.

I kind of hate falling in-love. Why? Well, it gets frustrating sometimes.

However I think about it, even though I can’t say for sure because I’m just a plain random girl in the NBSB category, this emotion is just so temporary. Its vast futility cannot address the incomprehensible way this strikes straight into the heart.

Women must all be the same, right? But I think not. My mother, unlike me, wasn’t a hopeless romantic. My younger sister takes after her. But I obligingly fall for the clamor and perdition that is falling in-love. I hate it.

Sure, people get crushes here and there often or sometimes or never. But it’s not the same way when you fall in-love.

I could say I’ve got a crush on a guy one day, but I’d probably only actually “fall” (or more accurately put, infatuate) by the 6th week of seeing him everyday.

I find falling in-love different. It’s that feeling you get when you develop a liking towards someone you wouldn’t (or used to not) owe a smile or a happy mood. It’s when you meet a friend after a long time and then get attached, or it could also be when you’d actually get along with that person you’ve had a crush on, or that has a crush on you.

I was in senior high when someone asked me,
“Reese, what would you do if he (my crush) actually asked you out?”
And I was like, “Even if he sincerely liked me, I wouldn’t date him.”
Why not? Because, boys are so superficial. They feed on egotism (and food, granted), and they’re spirits wane after they’ve fully 100% got you. That’s why you shouldn’t give yourself whole. That’s why Sherry Argrov is such a good researcher and book author. But you don’t really need a book to tell you that you’re also logically not supposed to date guys who don’t have a stable life and still has to prove himself to his parents, let alone someone you might out-grow (in height too) in the future. It’s insane.

I have a best friend who, you could say, is the exact opposite of me–we didn’t used to be so different. But we parted in high school, and for most of her life I couldn’t be an influence. Neither her to me. She’s probably been in more than a few relationships, and her motto in love is ‘to give everything so that in the end if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, it’s to his conscience not yours’ which is upsetting because that’s like saying “consider all fruits edible, and if in case one of them is toxic or poisonous, don’t regret it because it’s the fruit’s fault not yours.” I just was never able to tell her that opinion of mine. Even though how deep our conversations may seem, or how close we are when we bond despite how long we’ve been apart, I just can’t ever let myself express such a thing demeaning her in a personal way.

I have another best friend, she’s exactly like me, I think. The reason I say “I think” is because, like me, she’s usually hard to read. We don’t bond by food but by communication. And (but this I think is purely my doing), our communication lately usually centers around relationships as well. I think she’s a hopeless romantic. She’s in-love with a guy and she thinks the guy likes her back to be honest. At first, when she told me about him, it seemed so. Then I got to meet him and became really good friends with the guy she liked–he’s really just a gentleman to everyone. I experienced it and almost fell for him. But then I’m reminded that he’s younger than me, a few months older than my best friend though. I feel bad for her, I haven’t told her my ‘findings’ as of yet.

I am a hopeless romantic. But I see things the way it is and where it goes, and deny myself the privilege of accepting “developed” feelings. Why? Well, firstly because it’s unreasonable, second, because it’s selfish, third, I don’t think I deserve it, last but not least, because it’s futile.

My words are not desirable in the least, and you could say I’m only saying this because I’m sore.

All of a sudden, I’m speechless as I type. Because, other than the fact that I’m right, the other fact is that, yes, I am sore.

Who am I to say I wouldn’t want it–the bliss,  the attention–that sensation of actually being liked, or better yet, liked back by someone? In more ways than one, you could say it’s a vital phase in a woman’s life.

But the heart is merciless as it is deceitful, and I wish not anyone that fate. The heart cannot seem to be tamed in this aspect.

Other girls would go, “What must I do to make you love me?” On the otherhand, I am concerned with, “How should I get rid of this futility?” It’s an open furnace, anyone can get scorched. Therefore there should be water enough to kill it.

I’m not one to talk because I’ve been jealous, had my fits of self-pity, and nonsense crying myself to sleep. But these things kind of made me learn, and kind of wanted to make me learn more… about this mystery of man–why and how eros had developed in the history of humanity.

And I’m here typing this blog as the hours go by. Where I sit, I am waiting for company. And among the fervent and beloved company that I await is that one person–a someone I fell for, but didn’t mean to. He would be a first of many. Like the different types of crushes I had in the past, there will come to put kindle to the furnace again and light.. because I know it. And when those times pass, I will let my tears fall just like I did with every other that I thought could be different. But today, I will act like I’ve always been before the kindle was set, before the furnace alit. Today, despite that I have reached the climax of it all, I will pretend it ceases to exist, my heart knowing, one day it too will end.

It’s not that I don’t believe in love–I do. But seemingly, those things are not yet meant for me, and if it will never be meant for me then it’s probably for the best. I just hope and pray to God that when my prime has passed me by and I conclude that I will never abide with the eros that I long, I will be able to stand with pride knowing no regrets, being the strong independent figure of a woman I wanted to be without if it.

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