Happiness, wandering and wavering — for all these times, I am thankful.
There’s a lesson in this I must hold on to.
There’s a reason to smile, there’s a reason to laugh, and there’s a reason for me to cry.
The first time I felt the way I am with you, I tried my best — I lied at best!
What of it? To say the words is utterly to futile, perilous end… Or so I thought.
I’ll tell you then, but tell me now “It’s for the best,” don’t break my heart.
Even if I wished it never, part of me just let you in.
I sought, I told myself and did. I let the feelings in.
A friend once said to me, this way it’ll only last a bit.
The way you talked, the way you smiled, at first they meant nothing to me.
Even now, as I recall, I liked you for the sake of you.
I’ll admit I never did, I never kept away from you.
I said to me, so fervently, “desensitize from it, I must.”
I thought if I got closer, I’d realize the things about you that I wouldn’t like — and make me stop, make me wane — free to dictate myself again.
I complicate things when I lie.
I must’ve done such selfish things.
Thus, because, yours became.
I think it was in January, the first time I felt the way I am as I saw you smile.
Asketh simply, if I dared, to come with you to where
That second day, of three special ones, but I was not what the message wrote.
I thought you were a friend indeed, and I was fond of your company.
Then when I became, of that one voice from whence that message wrote.
It was then that I recall, I first stood to permit my voice the music which was His.
But it was not, for there was none, and I was yet to feel
Fonder still, as it became sort the real deal.
I told myself, “You know what? Crushing on people is either one of two things — either you dictate it or it develops.”
And I feared as much the latter than the former, despite my witty self.
And as it grew, I knew the truth:
That it cannot be helped.
Three months pass and I spoke of it for the first time to my best friend.
Weeks later, a certain one guessed correctly, provoked me, made me admit it to myself.
And on that day even, my voice was loud, excited, denying — thoughts perceiving heart deceitful — all while you sat about two rows after us. Part of me wishing you had heard, part of me criticizing my inner naivety and lack of self-control, again, despite my witty self.
My favorite moments of from whence my feelings I accepted until before your own were revealed
Are of when we shared an umbrella.
It was more special during the rain than during the sun,
Because of that one time, after we were out of the rain,
When it surprised me ever so perilously that you chose to sit beside me
Even when I offered the seat that was not, but in front of me.
You are such a gentleman, and I fear that yours are not as mine is;
That I don’t deserve that which I had returned to me for the first time;
That the complexity of your naivety is even beyond my own.
For, I must admit despite that I wouldn’t let you know,
The way you changed after I returned and let you know,
That after we learned the mutuality of things — the state of things,
You became much kinder, much sweeter;
And I let it be, despite that I foresaw this naivety,
Despite that I knew it were trouble.
Despite that I knew it would hurt me more,
Even so! And I returned the way you did.
And so, now that it’s good bye for us,
I let the people know,
That I appreciate how much you made me feel
That it were true: your heart for me was real.
I thank God for you, who gave me renewed confidence in myself,
And allowing me to have this feelings;
Thanks for making me feel special, even if only for a while.
The messages, I kept but locked also in my heart;
The dried mangoes, the jar of honey, the mangas, the worries, ‘the’ quote,
And all the little things you did that, as an online friend made it known to me,
And I quote, “That’s obviously saying he really does like you.”
And it’s so obvious that this is leading nowhere.
And what of me to think it gone, or to think you lied — because everything is going to change, everything has started to change.
I have so much to say, but one thing that I will say is,
And I wish to remind myself this, at the very least,
That it took you about 20 minutes worth of the journey we had to a basketball game to say that I am your ultimate crush.
So, thanks, and sorry because I hurt myself because of you,
Because I let you, because you didn’t know.
Had I not let you make me fonder, I wouldn’t have known
How much, indeed, this thing was true.
And even now that we will part,
In a few days after this art,
Despite how I wish it be meant to be,
I will not but ask it of Him.
For He knew how much I needed it, despite I thought I didn’t.
He let it be, that I met you —
Such selfless love I learned from Him.
And we continue to learn from Him, as the days go by.
When I was younger, I, of course, did have that longing of an opportune fate.
But when I grew older, and met Him, and followed Him,
I decided to let Him lead my heart.
And I don’t know what the ultimatum of this story will be.
But I know in fact that there are reasons for this to pass.
And it will but be one such extraordinary,
If it be He let it last.
But I love Him, and I want Him to know that I trust Him,
Despite my naive self.