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Poetic Excerpts: Reasons

Happy.

Happiness, wandering and wavering — for all these times, I am thankful.

Lessons;

There’s a lesson in this I must hold on to.

There’s a reason to smile, there’s a reason to laugh, and there’s a reason for me to cry.

 

The first time I felt the way I am with you, I tried my best — I lied at best!

What of it? To say the words is utterly to futile, perilous end… Or so I thought.

I’ll tell you then, but tell me now “It’s for the best,” don’t break my heart.

Even if I wished it never, part of me just let you in.

 

I sought, I told myself and did. I let the feelings in.

A friend once said to me, this way it’ll only last a bit.

 

The way you talked, the way you smiled, at first they meant nothing to me.

Even now, as I recall, I liked you for the sake of you.

 

I’ll admit I never did, I never kept away from you.

I said to me, so fervently, “desensitize from it, I must.”

I thought if I got closer, I’d realize the things about you that I wouldn’t like — and make me stop, make me wane — free to dictate myself again.

 

I complicate things when I lie.

I must’ve done such selfish things.

Thus, because, yours became.

 

I think it was in January, the first time I felt the way I am as I saw you smile.

Asketh simply, if I dared, to come with you to where

That second day, of three special ones, but I was not what the message wrote.

 

I thought you were a friend indeed, and I was fond of your company.

 

Then when I became, of that one voice from whence that message wrote.

It was then that I recall, I first stood to permit my voice the music which was His.

 

But it was not, for there was none, and I was yet to feel

Fonder still, as it became sort the real deal.

 

I told myself, “You know what? Crushing on people is either one of two things — either you dictate it or it develops.”

And I feared as much the latter than the former, despite my witty self.

 

And as it grew, I knew the truth:

That it cannot be helped.

 

Three months pass and I spoke of it for the first time to my best friend.

Weeks later, a certain one guessed correctly, provoked me, made me admit it to myself.

And on that day even, my voice was loud, excited, denying — thoughts perceiving heart deceitful — all while you sat about two rows after us. Part of me wishing you had heard, part of me criticizing my inner naivety and lack of self-control, again, despite my witty self.

 

My favorite moments of from whence my feelings I accepted until before your own were revealed

Are of when we shared an umbrella.

It was more special during the rain than during the sun,

Because of that one time, after we were out of the rain,

When it surprised me ever so perilously that you chose to sit beside me

Even when I offered the seat that was not, but in front of me.

 

You are such a gentleman, and I fear that yours are not as mine is;

That I don’t deserve that which I had returned to me for the first time;

That the complexity of your naivety is even beyond my own.

For, I must admit despite that I wouldn’t let you know,

The way you changed after I returned and let you know,

That after we learned the mutuality of things — the state of things,

You became much kinder, much sweeter;

And I let it be, despite that I foresaw this naivety,

Despite that I knew it were trouble.

Despite that I knew it would hurt me more,

Even so! And I returned the way you did.

 

And so, now that it’s good bye for us,

I let the people know,

That I appreciate how much you made me feel

That it were true: your heart for me was real.

I thank God for you, who gave me renewed confidence in myself,

And allowing me to have this feelings;

Thanks for making me feel special, even if only for a while.

 

The messages, I kept but locked also in my heart;

The dried mangoes, the jar of honey, the mangas, the worries, ‘the’ quote,

And all the little things you did that, as an online friend made it known to me,

And I quote, “That’s obviously saying he really does like you.”

 

And it’s so obvious that this is leading nowhere.

 

And what of me to think it gone, or to think you lied — because everything is going to change, everything has started to change.

I have so much to say, but one thing that I will say is,

And I wish to remind myself this, at the very least,

That it took you about 20 minutes worth of the journey we had to a basketball game to say that I am your ultimate crush.

 

So, thanks, and sorry because I hurt myself because of you,

Because I let you, because you didn’t know.

Had I not let you make me fonder, I wouldn’t have known

How much, indeed, this thing was true.

 

And even now that we will part,

In a few days after this art,

Despite how I wish it be meant to be,

I will not but ask it of Him.

For He knew how much I needed it, despite I thought I didn’t.

He let it be, that I met you —

Such selfless love I learned from Him.

 

And we continue to learn from Him, as the days go by.

 

When I was younger, I, of course, did have that longing of an opportune fate.

But when I grew older, and met Him, and followed Him,

I decided to let Him lead my heart.

 

And I don’t know what the ultimatum of this story will be.

But I know in fact that there are reasons for this to pass.

 

And it will but be one such extraordinary,

If it be He let it last.

 

But I love Him, and I want Him to know that I trust Him,

Despite my naive self.

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Excerpts of Life: Reason to Write

Once, I thought that this would be another first…
Another first and last.

I never expected for the feeling to be mutual.

Whether it’s the devil playing mind games or a lesson I need to learn,
I’m glad that there was someone like you, who, even after the feelings are gone, will remind me that I am not only likeable in trait, but at the very least desirable.

Lies it would seem if I were to write how I will never be hurt by the course of time, these ravaging feelings–that aren’t exactly ravaging if we really thought about it, just peculiar and, as how most people would describe it, young.

This is indeed young love.

If it were but a different situation, if it were not us, there would be nothing to stop, neither you nor me, from letting it move forward. Not that I feel bound, but blessed and know that we both should not want to anger the good greatness, Him alone whose righteousness allowed such gifts unto men.

Not that I know exactly how you feel, for if I knew for sure, these words would not be here but in your very hands right now.

It’s certainly always the woman.

But I have become strong and despite the heartache and unbeknowing of what will come, although I realize I too am weak but my weakness is naught for I have God.

For Whom I must dwell, I must surpass all trials and be refined as pure gold.

But before all these are certain to pass, must I have been tried?

Because we do not understand, we cannot be told. Because we cannot be told, we do not know. But such that He is great, merciful and, kind, I know now that all things that we see are temporary and His righteousness everlasting. His wisdom though but incomprehensible by man, we know by His justice and righteousness, and by the fact that He cannot lie, His plans for us are far greater than our own.

It is even unfair to Him because the love that He extends cannot be measured or compared to anything man has to offer. Even a selfless man has limitations, but what God can give cannot be expressed by mere words, despite that it is scattered toward many people. It is still too great to compare.

Love. We appreciate it, and desire it. We have what we have because God giveth, and God so righteously established how He will have us serve Him for our own sakes.

So even if the futile aspirations of my heart are for naught, even if my love or ours profit no gain, we have His love to hope for and cherish and trust. And one day, after everything is said and done, and all the tears wiped away from our eyes, we will be able to witness Him in His magnificent splendor, live forever in the happiness that abides, never waning or turning to tears of sadness or regret.

Now to you dear friend and love who has yet to read the letter in his grasp, I only wish you true happiness. We are so young but I am full of thought, still. I thank God that I am able to deduce such a conclusion in a situation such as this.

Yes, you are another first, but alas, not the same as I recall I once had written.

I thank God for you have given me a reason to write.

I thank God for the strength, for making me realize in my own capacity, and for each day reminding me that there are better things to look forward to if not this.

And I will hold on to the treasured memories as best I can–memories, oh but the only things that cannot be changed despite when everything has gone and past.

I am not ready…
For anything…
If not for God.

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