Once, I thought that this would be another first…
Another first and last.
I never expected for the feeling to be mutual.
Whether it’s the devil playing mind games or a lesson I need to learn,
I’m glad that there was someone like you, who, even after the feelings are gone, will remind me that I am not only likeable in trait, but at the very least desirable.
Lies it would seem if I were to write how I will never be hurt by the course of time, these ravaging feelings–that aren’t exactly ravaging if we really thought about it, just peculiar and, as how most people would describe it, young.
This is indeed young love.
If it were but a different situation, if it were not us, there would be nothing to stop, neither you nor me, from letting it move forward. Not that I feel bound, but blessed and know that we both should not want to anger the good greatness, Him alone whose righteousness allowed such gifts unto men.
Not that I know exactly how you feel, for if I knew for sure, these words would not be here but in your very hands right now.
It’s certainly always the woman.
But I have become strong and despite the heartache and unbeknowing of what will come, although I realize I too am weak but my weakness is naught for I have God.
For Whom I must dwell, I must surpass all trials and be refined as pure gold.
But before all these are certain to pass, must I have been tried?
Because we do not understand, we cannot be told. Because we cannot be told, we do not know. But such that He is great, merciful and, kind, I know now that all things that we see are temporary and His righteousness everlasting. His wisdom though but incomprehensible by man, we know by His justice and righteousness, and by the fact that He cannot lie, His plans for us are far greater than our own.
It is even unfair to Him because the love that He extends cannot be measured or compared to anything man has to offer. Even a selfless man has limitations, but what God can give cannot be expressed by mere words, despite that it is scattered toward many people. It is still too great to compare.
Love. We appreciate it, and desire it. We have what we have because God giveth, and God so righteously established how He will have us serve Him for our own sakes.
So even if the futile aspirations of my heart are for naught, even if my love or ours profit no gain, we have His love to hope for and cherish and trust. And one day, after everything is said and done, and all the tears wiped away from our eyes, we will be able to witness Him in His magnificent splendor, live forever in the happiness that abides, never waning or turning to tears of sadness or regret.
Now to you dear friend and love who has yet to read the letter in his grasp, I only wish you true happiness. We are so young but I am full of thought, still. I thank God that I am able to deduce such a conclusion in a situation such as this.
Yes, you are another first, but alas, not the same as I recall I once had written.
I thank God for you have given me a reason to write.
I thank God for the strength, for making me realize in my own capacity, and for each day reminding me that there are better things to look forward to if not this.
And I will hold on to the treasured memories as best I can–memories, oh but the only things that cannot be changed despite when everything has gone and past.
I am not ready…
If not for God.
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